Living with Grief

How to Survive the Death of a Loved One
Part 1: About Grief

After my mother died, I attended a 6 week hospice grief support group, and a couple of months later attended the whole six weeks again! Despite the fact that I’d been a bereavement counselor myself and knew a lot about grief, it made a world of difference to feel the support of others going through the experience of loss. We all need to be “accompanied” through difficult life passages, and my hope is that this article will help to support those of you who are facing the formidable task of recovering from the death of a loved one. Although we grieve many losses throughout a lifetime, such as losing a job or a home, the death of a loved one is especially difficult. It is probably the most painful of all human experiences. Whether it is a parent, child, sibling, friend or a pet, a whole host of feelings is triggered by loss, and the only way to truly heal from the loss is to fully experience those feelings.

orchidsEveryone’s journey through grief is unique and no two people will grieve in exactly the same way. There are, however, reactions to loss which are common to everyone. Knowledge of these responses can ease the way considerably by letting us know that our feelings and thoughts are normal and expectable. Since grief can sometimes make us feel as if we are “going crazy”, it can really help to know about the complex set of reactions which are a part of the territory. This knowledge can also help us to flow with the feelings of grief rather than trying to suppress them. The only way to get through grief is to go straight into the heart of it!

For support through the experience of grieving, we offer the following topics:

Part 2: Characteristics and Symptoms of Grief
Part 3: Tips for Dealing with Grief

Internet Grief Resources

Meditation Oasis Podcast — listen to various guided meditations, including a special guided meditation for grief

http://www.griefhealing.com/ — our favorite — lovely, informative website

http://www.hospicenet.org/html/bereavement.html — especially well-written and informative website

http://www.americanhospice.org/griefzone/articles/helpingself.htm — how to help yourself with grief

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/ — support with the death of a child

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Brochures/adults_grieving_the_death_of_a_sibling.aspx — support for loss of a sibling

http://www.griefnet.org/library/biblio/index.html — extensive book list by topics

Comments

54 Responses to “Living with Grief”

  1. Cathy J Wells on September 3rd, 2008 5:46 pm

    I lost my 27 year old son in a car accident on June 28, 2008. I am still dealing with a lot of grief, sadness and depression.

    I’d like to know what it takes to become a grief counselor. I feel that my experience may help someone else.

    Thanks

  2. Mary on September 4th, 2008 8:56 am

    I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. You certainly learn a lot about the territory of grief when you sustain a loss like this. Your experience certainly can help you to help someone else. Perhaps you are in a support group and can see how you are all able to support one another.

    Usually a grief counselor has the training of any other counselor such as a psychologist or social worker. Practicing counseling requires some sort of licensing. A good way to explore going into counseling would be to volunteer at your local hospice. That way you would get some experience supporting others and it would help confirm that direction for you.

    Your hospice might require that you wait a year from the time of the loss before you volunteer to help others. You can check with them. The loss of a close family member is huge — it takes a long time to heal. The loss of a child is particularly difficult. I wish you well with this.

  3. Ceilia on February 23rd, 2009 2:39 pm

    I feel sort of silly with this other person have lost a child. However my loss is very real to me & the whole in my life without my Trinity is devastating she was a wonderful Corgi my Trinity and I lived & loved together for 13 plus years I am having a hard time going on? I loved her so & a sweeter dog you will not find ever. I wish I could stop crying over her. Every time I look at her picture I breakdown & sob. People have been very kind saying you’ll get over it Or remember the good times. I want the good times back I want her here with me. Now again I am crying …Please if you have some ideas I will listen I have 2 other Corgis that are fun dog but they are not my Trin.

  4. Mary on February 23rd, 2009 3:14 pm

    The loss of a beloved pet can be just as painful as losing a (human) loved one. The only way through grief is to feel those difficult feelings that you are having now. In time the pain should lessen, but it does take time.

    People are well-meaning, but it may not help to hear “you will get over it” or “remember the good times”. It helps when we know someone really hears how painful it is and is present with us as we grieve. Perhaps you could find a grief support group. Sharing grief with others who understand can help.

  5. Jake on March 18th, 2009 7:18 pm

    I want to thank you for putting in time and effort of looking up these things and compiling a useful tool for those in need. This past October I lost my girlfriend. I believe that she was my first true love. I’ve been in other relationships since, but none are the same. Even still I find myself waking up thinking about her and before I fall asleep she is always the last thing that runs through my mind. It’s so hard because I’m only 18 and none of my friends have dealt with something like this. I feel there’s no one to talk to. I’ve read through this and it’s somewhat comforting knowing I’m not the only one that feels this way.

  6. Mary on March 19th, 2009 9:13 am

    I am so sorry you lost your girlfriend, Jake. I know it’s very painful. It can really help to be in a grief support group. Your local hospice might be able to direct you to one. Also, on our Meditation Oasis website, we have a Guided Meditation for Grief you can listen to. Maybe it will help. You are very mature to be able to recognize and express your grief, as well as to reach out for help. I wish you well.

  7. Stephen M. Kanan on April 20th, 2010 8:15 am

    HI,

    My mom passed away 16 years ago this May, and I’m still feeling the loss on the anniversary. The fact that my brothers and sisters have abandoned me 3 years after her death. So, when my Mom’s anniversary comes around, I still feel her loss, but also the loss of my family. I go to therapy, we work on this issue, but it is a recurring one.

    Any suggestions?
    Thanks,

    Stephen M. Kanan

  8. Mary on April 20th, 2010 9:17 am

    Hi Stephen,
    I don’t think we ever stop grieving the loss of our mothers, and as you probably know, this comes up on anniversaries. It’s great that you are in therapy to work with this. In your case this is a “complicated” loss in that you also lost the connection with your brothers and sisters. That makes it harder.

    We do have a Guided Meditation for Grief on our Meditation Oasis Podcast which you can try to see if it helps – http://www.meditationoasis.com/podcast/listen-to-podcast/ You might want to check with your therapist about using it. Best wishes.

  9. kunal on April 26th, 2010 4:57 am

    I lost my girl friend a week ago.Our relationship had becum soo strong tht we were alws in touch with each other like phone,sms etc. It jus happened in 3 days.

    I m nt able to accept the reality tht she is nt in this world.Round the clock her voice echoes in my ears.Cant work,Cant sleep ,Cant do anythng. I dnt knw hw to get out of this situation and how to make my life stable.

  10. Mary on April 26th, 2010 9:17 am

    kunal, I am so sorry about your loss. The loss just happened and your reactions are perfectly normal. It will take time until things are more stable. A sudden, unexpected loss is especially difficult and I’d suggest that you get some grief counseling or some other form of support. Wishing you the best…

  11. Ray on June 7th, 2010 2:54 pm

    Hi there! I lost my mother to heart failure-age 73 on Mother’s Day..she & I were close-as-I’ve no siblings..it’s been especially devestating on me lately. She’d had leg ulcer troubles; had fallen in the washroom at a rehab centre & broke her leg; was sent back to the hospital a second time (after the leg ulcers) but due to low blood pressure & heavily on morphine-she had to use an oxygen mask on her last day & couldn’t breathe properly. Unfortunately her heart gave out at the hospital & that was it. I was lucky to have her as long as I did-as she’d been kept alive on 3 pacemakers since 1991. It is so difficult to get through this & get back to a normal pace of life. You feel that when you ask for support from a few friends, they can only listen & help you only so much. I’m feeling quite isolated..any advice?
    Thanks so much-Ray , Calgary, Alta., Canada.

  12. Mary on June 7th, 2010 6:44 pm

    We’re sorry for your loss, Ray. It’s true, friends can only listen so much. We highly recommend finding a grief support group. Usually hospice programs have them and you can also check with local hospitals, churches, etc. It does take a time to recover from such a difficult loss. We wish you well.

  13. narutofightindreamer on June 13th, 2010 4:12 am

    How about those whose family member’s lives are stolen away from them in unbearable tragedies like what happened in Arkansas just lately. There is absolutely nothing you can say or do for a person in that situation except to pray.

    You also can’t ever expect a person, who has lost all or most of their children and or immediate family to such an incident. To ever be able to recover from such a tragedy, when they have for some torturous reason been left alive only to mourn and suffer from literally losing everybody. Those folks can only be prayed for and felt sorry for!

  14. Linda on July 27th, 2010 7:40 am

    My brother took his own life in April this year. He was 52 and healthy, except for the terrible toil depression and the break up of his marriage took on him. I believe he could have been happy again and potentially had years ahead. He also had a mother who loved him dearly. We are now left with such heartbreak and the feelings we may have been able to do more. I feel like I will have grief and sorrow forever, because I can’t accept that my brother’s death was unavoidable (e.g. an accident or an incurable disease). He took that decision but we are left with all of the complicated grief which is so difficult to live with. Does anyone have any tips for dealing with such circumstances? Thanks

  15. Pam on August 3rd, 2010 8:31 pm

    I lost my mom, my best friend almost ten months ago and the pain is never ending. The lonliness, the sadness that takes over my whole being is so strong at times I feel like I will explode. I talked to her on Tues and she was fine…tried calling all day Wed.got a busy signal… she had passed away that morning. I still can say that I have not accepted the fact that she is truly gone from me….I keep telling myself she has gone on a vacation and is coming back…..there is no way she would leave without saying goodbye telling me she loved me, not to worry….just anything. It happened much to soon….no warning ,no nothing…how could God do this…..my heart is stll broken into a million pieces and can never be mended. I miss my mom….I love my mom.

  16. Mary on August 4th, 2010 9:09 am

    Pam, I am so sorry for your loss. Loss of ones mother, especially so suddenly, is so very painful. I highly recommend going to a grief support group — I did when I lost my mother and it did help. We wish you well.

  17. Caroline on August 22nd, 2010 12:38 pm

    Please help me…I am gong crazy…my sweet dog has died on july 21st…I am ont getting over it…I just want her to come and get me…Please kill this pain…

  18. Mary on August 23rd, 2010 4:56 pm

    We are so sorry that you lost your beloved dog, Caroline. It is incredibly painful and a month is not much time. It can take a long time to mourn such a loss and the only way through it is feeling the pain, as you are. We highly recommend you find a grief support group in your area (you can check with your local hospice and they should know of one). It can really help to share this with others. We wish you well.

  19. carla on October 24th, 2010 1:19 am

    hi there i dont know what to do please give me some advice and help here. my bpyfriends brother aged just 21 years took his life just 6 weeks ago and since then my boyfriend keeps ending the relationship with me then wants me back and tells me he loves me then a wekk later he ends it again via text message, this is breaking my heart as not only do we both share the same disorder being borderline personality disorder but we both suffer with anxiety and depression, obviously his loss of the brother has bought a lot of the above . his brother was his only brother and also like his best friend and he took his own life and was unexpected! please help me because i love this man sooo much but i dont know how to deal with all this one minute he wants me the next he doesnt x

  20. Mary on October 24th, 2010 9:03 am

    carla, this is a huge loss. It would be difficult for anyone, and must be devastating for your boyfriend. We highly recommend that you both get some good counseling.

  21. IRWIN DRESNER on December 15th, 2010 7:32 pm

    MY WIFE PASSED AWAY OCTOBER 2009. I CANNOT SHAKE OFF THIS VERY DEEP FEELING OF GRIEF AND SERVERE DEPRESSION. I HAD SUFFERED DEPRESSION MY ENTIRE LIFE. BEFORE SHE PASSED AWAY I WOULD RACE WALK AT LEAST 3 MILES EACH DAY TO HELP WITH MY DEPRESSION. I AM A KOREA WAR VETERAN AND WAS IN COMBAT DURING 1951-52. I AM IN SUCH A DEEP DEPRESSION THAT IT HAS MADE ME LOOK OLDER AND OTHER PROBLEMS. MY CHILDREN LIVE IN ANOTHER STATE AND I AM SO LONELY. I HAD GONE FOR HELP WITH OTHER PEOPLE WHO LOST THEIR PARTNER. MOST HAVE GOTTEN OVER THEIR GRIEF BUT MINE WAS STILL VERY BAD. I WENT TO GRIEF DOCTOR FOR A NUMBER OF SESSION AND THIS DID NOT HELP. THE DEPRESSION AND GRIEF IS AGING ME VERY FAST AND I CANNOT CONTROL IT. I EVEN TRYED HYPNOSIS AND IT HELPED A LITTLE. IT FEELS LIKE THE END, I CANNOT CONTINUE LIKE THIS. EVERYONE HAVE A NICE HOLIDAY. IRWIN

  22. Mary on December 16th, 2010 11:30 am

    It’s just a little over a year since your wife died, Irwin. It’s not long and it takes a long time to grieve. Continue to get all the support you can and treatment for your depression. Try a support group — check with your local hospice and if there are thoughts of suicide please get help right away.

  23. Nayan on December 20th, 2010 9:27 pm

    Hey….i lost my girlfriend to suicide two months ago. Since then i’ve been dying every single second. I wanted to be with her for my whole life, i wanted to grow old with her. She was the angel of my life…….my love for her is growing day by day……i am totally in ruins now..

  24. Mary on December 21st, 2010 9:20 am

    What a devastating loss. Please get support with this so that you are not going through this alone…

  25. Andy on December 30th, 2010 9:55 am

    Nayan, going through exactly the same 6 weeks ago, my girlfriend in the space of 10 weeks of depression (never had it before) took her own life. I totally share your feelings and that your future and direction in life has just totally nose-dived. We all have plans as couples, living our lives together all gone in the space of a few hours. My best friend, princess you name it 1 in a billion to me as Im sure your partner was to you. I only Hope it eases for you and mine too but cant see this been at all close…

  26. Lauren Muscarella on February 15th, 2011 7:27 am

    Thank you for writing this post. I really enjoyed that you said you’d been a grief counselor but then when you experienced the loss you still had the same challenges. I think it’s important for all of us to remember that one. This isn’t mentioned much in your post but I found writing about my loss was very helpful in sorting out my feelings and evolving how I felt. Sitting down to write something forces you to think about feelings from a different perspective. As a result of my blog’s overwhelming feedback, I started http://trauma2art.com to facilitate and support the creative expression of those who have experienced loss.

    Nice meeting you,
    Lauren

  27. Mary on February 15th, 2011 10:11 am

    You are welcome, Lauren. Trauma to Art looks like a wonderful resource. Nice meeting you too!

  28. Marty Tousley, CNS-BC, FT, DCC on February 16th, 2011 2:38 pm

    I was led to this page by Lauren Muscarella’s Twitter post yesterday (thank you, Lauren!) only to discover your lovely comment about my Grief Healing Web site (under Internet Grief Resources, above). Thank you so much for your very kind words!
    I’ve had your wonderful and informative site listed on my Alternative Healing page for some time (at http://www.griefhealing.com/alternative-healing.htm ) ~ but now I’ve listed your Living with Grief page as well, here: http://www.griefhealing.com/general-bereavement-resources.htm
    Gratefully, Marty T xo

  29. Mary on February 16th, 2011 4:48 pm

    How lovely to have you drop by, Marty. You are welcome, and thank YOU for the support you are giving to those who are grieving!

  30. GAIL H on March 14th, 2011 1:53 pm

    AFTER LOSING MY MOTHER A LITTLE OVER A YEAR AGO, THE WONDERFUL MAN THAT I HAD BEEN DATING FOR 3 YEARS SUDDENLY DIED OF AN HEART ATTACK A WEEK AGO. IT WAS A BLESSING FOR HIM NOT TO HAVE SUFFERED, BUT I CAN HARDLY PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER. HE HAS BEEN MY ROCK SINCE MY MOTHER PASSED. I HAVE NOT BROTHERS OR SISTERS OR CHILDREN. I AM PRAYING WITH ALL MY HEART FOR GOD TO BE WITH ME, WHICH I KNOW HE WILL. I HAVE NEVER HURT SO BAD, NOT EVEN WITH MY MOTHER.

  31. Mary on March 14th, 2011 4:37 pm

    Gail, we are so sorry for your loss. Two losses, and the second being sudden makes grief especially difficult. In view of the fact that you have little family support, and that these losses are so difficult, I highly recommend you seek support, either in a grief support group or one on one counseling. You can contact your local hospice for suggestions of where to go. You will get through this, even though it is so devastatingly painful.

  32. Bobbi Patrick on March 24th, 2011 10:56 am

    My Daddy died March 19th after a fight with lung cancer. My heart is breaking and i feel ill and pain..I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I feel like an icecold black hole is my heart..I really feel like Ice water in my viens. I dont think I can handle this …it hasnt even been five days yet and it feels like a lifetime.I know im 40 and should just get over it, but everythought leads me back to him.

  33. Mary on March 24th, 2011 11:20 am

    Bobbi, we are so sorry for your loss. The idea that we should “just get over it” is one of the most painful and damaging myths there is about grief. Grief is extremely painful and the only way through it is feeling that pain. And it takes a long time to move through grief. What you are feeling is normal. We recommend you find a good support group to help you. You can contact your local hospice which should be able to tell you about resources in your area. We wish you well.

  34. mai on March 28th, 2011 3:12 pm

    my dad passed away recently (feb 21) and 3 weeks after, my mom passed away as well. same cause – cardiac arrest. everything happened fast and it is so much to take. it is traumatic. i feel deep sorrow and don’t know if i will ever heal. i am hoping to find healing by reading your comments and your articles. thank you.

  35. Mary on April 2nd, 2011 8:24 am

    You are welcome, mai. I’m so sorry for your losses, especially to lose both parents within a few weeks. It takes a long time to mourn a loss, and this is particularly difficult, but in time it will not be so painful. I recommend you get some support with this — a local grief support group could be really helpful. Usually your local hospice, hospital or place of worship can refer you to a group. Best wishes.

  36. kathie on April 16th, 2011 3:16 pm

    My Mother was a very healthy, strong 90 year old woman, but on Friday, Mar 18 she fell and broke her femur bone. She came through the surgey great, but she was on a lot of Morpheine and didn’t seem to be herself. A few days later she developed double phemonia, her lungs were severely scared, and could only breath with a tube. After 3 days of not getting any better, but getting weaker, they explained the procedure of pulling out the tube. She said yes. She had a very strong faith, I knew she was ready. We were as close as any Mother & daughter can be. Friends…she was my strength, because I was not strong…she did so many amazing things for me, and accepted me as the shy person I was…I know she loved me so much. She only wanted me and Pete (my husband) with her after they took the tube out. She smiled at me, but was never able to say anything to me…after that they kept her “comfortable” with Morphine…She never opened her eyes again. We stayed with her for 4 hours until she passed. It breaks my heart that she was unable to tell my anything…and I will always wonder if she wanted to. Kathie

  37. Mary on April 18th, 2011 11:57 am

    Kathie, we are sorry for your loss and extend our sympathy.

  38. Teresa Green on April 22nd, 2011 10:10 am

    Hi my cousin in another country has just lost his brother 3wks ago in a tragic accident. Ive only just got in touch with my cousin again through Facebook. I last saw him 13yrs ago. I was very close to my cousin then, but now im finding it hard to know what to say to him when we chat on Facebook. He is so sad and feels like he is in a black hole at the mo and im finding it really hard knowing what to say to him. Has anyone got any tips as i sure could do with some help on this one. I keep saying im thinking of him, and send him ((Hugs)) . I just want to be there for him, but its soo hard being in different countries.
    Thanks for any help on this.
    Teresa :o )

  39. Mary on April 22nd, 2011 12:00 pm

    Teresa, you don’t need to say much, just let him know that you are there and understand his pain. “I’m thinking of you… You’re in my heart… I’m so sorry…” – simple things like that. Just knowing you care and are thinking of him is most important. There isn’t really much specific that we can say. sounds like you’re doing just the right thing.

  40. LaJuana Westerfield on July 27th, 2011 9:00 pm

    I have lost four family members in the last four years, including my daughter to suicide and my husband of 51 years. I also lost my father-in-law and my mother-in-law. I am alone for the first time in my life. My husband, my in-laws and I were together almost constantly and now it is as though they have all left me alone. The grief just keeps coming. My dog and my cat have been my companions since their deaths. This past month my indoor kitty we have had for five years escaped and didn’t return.

    I am crying constantly and just can’t seem to get a grip. Its as though this was the last straw and I just can’t go on.

    My mother is 92 and I don’t think I can survive losing her if I outlive her.

  41. Mary on August 1st, 2011 9:32 am

    LaJauna, this is a huge amount of loss in so short a time and it’s understandable that you feel the way you do. Please do get some support with this. Your local hospice should be able to refer you to grief support resources, or you could see a counsellor. No one should have to go through this alone!

  42. anonomous on August 4th, 2011 3:51 pm

    I lost my partner a few months ago unexpectantly. I came home and found him and held him in my arms. we were expecting our baby and about to get married. He was so happy about becoming a father for the first time. I am so lonely without him, I can’t help but cry for hours at a time but never seem to cry in front of people.

    I am due to have our baby in only 4 weeks time and i feel so sad that i can no longer share such a happy time with him. I feel sad when i see other people getting married and mums and dads together, this really breaks me apart. facing motherhood alone is also a frightening part od my life, even though it comforts me to know i have a part of him within me.

  43. Mary on August 4th, 2011 4:33 pm

    We are so sorry about your loss. This is heartbreaking. Please consider finding a support group to share this with. It can help to cry, or simply share in words, your loss with others who understand. Your feelings are, of course, completely normal. We wish you well as you heal from this tragic loss.

  44. Lee on August 7th, 2011 12:59 pm

    I lost my wife of nearly 30 years in March, after a three year battle with leukemia. She was young (52) as am I (54) and I am devastated by the loss. I remain basically unable to function. My heart and spirit are broken.
    Everyone keeps telling me I will need to rebuild my life.
    How do I find the strength/desire to go on?

  45. Mary on August 8th, 2011 11:41 am

    Lee, we’re so sorry about your loss. We recommend you seek out a support group or bereavement counseling. It can make all the difference in your healing from grief.

  46. Lee on August 8th, 2011 4:58 pm

    I’ve actually been looking for a support group-most of the groups around here (Boston area) seem to take the summer off but I believe I’ve found one that starts in late August

  47. PS on August 11th, 2011 11:37 am

    My mom recently had an accident and i was out of the country on a work related deputation. I left my work and came over to be with her. Unfortunately she left us all after the seventh day of my arrival. She had lots of wishes which she told me when in hospital. We all had a great hope that she will recover and she too had. unfortunately cardiac arrest took her life. she was just 49. she had lots of life left woth her. Dad is completely broken after this incident and i am completely broken too. She comes in my dream every day. I wanted to do a lot of things for her and i couldn’t. I am extremely sad, disappointed, missing her completely. I am reminded of her during every moment. I am not able to concentrate on my work. I wished if there is a life after death she sould meet me again in some part of my life. I loved her so much and her departure leaves me disappointed and extremely depressed. How will i console my younger brother and my Dad? i will i console myself. Please Advice

  48. Mary on August 12th, 2011 5:12 pm

    PS, losing a close family member is so very difficult. We always recommend grief support. Try to find a bereavement counselor or group in your area.

  49. Rowena on August 17th, 2011 2:26 pm

    I lost my dear young sister over nine months ago,but have recently gotten even more depressed.I am worried my brain is going to burst.I cannot accept my sweet sister has died.I have no support from my husband and my kids are a little unsympathetic.it happened so suddenly and without warning.Also my mother has refused to give me a keepsake,like a certain possession my sister had and that has caused me even more pain.What can I do

  50. Mary on August 17th, 2011 4:15 pm

    Rowena, we recommend you get some bereavement counseling.

  51. Ann on August 22nd, 2011 8:32 pm

    My Fiance passed away August 12,2011 he was only 37.Im the one who found him and I still have that image in my head how I found him he passed in his sleep.I cant get that image out of my head how do you cope with this?

  52. Mary on August 23rd, 2011 5:00 pm

    We are so sorry, Ann. This is such a difficult loss. We recommend you seek bereavement counseling and wish you the best.

  53. Rush on August 31st, 2011 10:49 pm

    my mom died 2 weeks ago from aneurysm it was really sudden we never saw it coming shes’s been in coma for 4 days after the day that she complained about a terrible headache that she is feeling then she suddenly collapse she died really young 53 i felt that our time together was not enough to let her know i much i love her im in so much pain now i always cried at night miss her terribly i feel so numb most of the time i badly need help.

  54. Mary on September 1st, 2011 10:08 am

    Rush, we are sorry for your loss. As we’ve recommended to others, please get some professional grief support. It can really help.

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